As we gear up for V-Day, I think it worth mentioning the reason I’m the luckiest woman on the planet.
Of course I also grant the premise there are other women who are, each and every one, also the luckiest woman on the planet because Love is an Alternate Reality, unique to every single person experiencing it.*
In my reality, I’m the luckiest woman on the planet because my husband will spend a good portion of his almost non-existent spare time removing the busted toilet lid from the kids’ john.
Now, before you think what’s the big whup about that? let me explain this was no normal toilet seat — it was the honey badger of toilet seats. Crooked and discolored and holding on to that crapper like it was the holy grail of Pooh. The bolts were so rusted no wrench could loosen them, yet not rusted enough that a good whallop with a mallet would break them.
That’s right, Honey Badger doesn’t give a sh*t if you can… well, you know.
It took over two hours of cutting with the Dremel, a wee little rotating saw thing that… actually, let me let The Man describe how well it worked:
“Unfortunately, my Dremel is battery-operated as opposed to corded so needed to be charged several times during the process.
To get an even better picture, one needs to know our bathrooms are so small you have to step out to change your mind, so he had to cram himself between the sink cabinet and toilet, and then the tub and toilet to get to the offending bolts.
In a bathroom.
Where a 12 year old boy does his business.
But he did it. The Man fought the Honey Badger — and The Man won. The kids woke up to a brand new, functional toilet lid that would not scare the crap out of them.
So as we come up on that paragon of hearts and flowers, the day for which jewelry stores fill prime time commercial space, the chocoholics delight, I say to thee–
Screw you, Cupid. I got a guy who’ll Dremel a toilet lid on his day off.
In my reality, that’s Love.
*Think about it…alternate romance realities are the only way to explain Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas, James Carville and Mary Matalin, Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson (I’m still waiting for Kurt to realize Karofsky’s the One), and let’s not forget Roger and Jessica Rabbit.